Come to the think of it, this advice works for lots more than presentations. Know what you want to say, then say it. It’s trying to explain all that stuff in the middle that get’s people confused, including ourselves.

Note | While a variation of this quote is often attributed to a wonderful comedian who lived to be 134 years old, the source of the quote has never been cited according to our go-to experts on un-cited quotes, WikiQuote.com.

Recently, we ran across some photos that were part of a “five-year-old internet meme” in which people shared photos that demonstrate what can go wrong if someone assigned a job doesn’t stay focused. While these “You Had One Job” photos are embarrassing (for the person who had the job), they remain painfully funny lessons on the importance of staying on task.

[soliloquy id=”22740″]

Competition is a part of running a small business. It keeps the creative juices flowing. But sometimes when the competitors are folks whose creative juices are always flowing, competition can turn a minor jesture into a duel of Aaron Burr vs. Alexander Hamilton proportions.

Gentlepersons, choose your paper weapons

It all started earlier this year (2016) when an employee of a creative agency in this lower Manhattan building did something simple.

Google Maps

She wrote a “hi” on her window with a few Post-it notes.

Across the street, in this building, filled with other creative agencies, someone responded…

Google Maps

“SUP?”

Image credits: Source

In Creativeland, “SUP?” apparently means, “WAR!”

Image credits: Source

 Soon, windows in both buildings had all sorts of one-upsmanship Post-it note art

Image credits: Mike Segar

Image credits: Mike Segar

The winning agency (as declared by themselves) even created an animated GIF version. Definitely, mic drop.

Image credits: Instagram

And so, the battle was over (because the building managers ordered all participants to take everything down). 

(via: wistedsifter.com and Architecture and Design and lots of contributors to this reddit thread.)

There’s a word for people who have names that sync-up with their business: Aptronym

Some people have names that sound extremely appropriate for their occupation. There’s even a word for it: aptronym (or aptonym). Maybe the name and work connections are just coincidences, but it’s common enough for psychologist Carl Jung to include the phenomenon with his interest of a wide range of similarities dubbed “synchronicity” almost a century ago.

Whether coincidence or destiny, some users of SmallBusiness.com love finding people who have perfect names for their occupations. If you know of others, send them to us at: Tips@SmallBusiness.com

Watters Plumbing

(Photo via WattersPlumbing.com)

Founded in 1960 by Harold Watters.

Website: WattersPlumbing.com

Cindy Houser Sells Houses, Realtor

Website: CindyHouserSellsHouses.com

Dr. Ronald Toothman, Orthodontist

Website: ToothmanBarraortho.com

Tom Hammer Construction

Founded by Tom Hammer in 1999, Tom Hammer Construction is based in New Hampshire, but its work for major retailers can be seen across the country.

Website: THammerInc.com.

Foriest Tree Care

Foriest Tree and Lawn Care was founded in Nashville, Tenn., by arborists Gary Fralick and Mike Foriest.

Website: ForiestTreeCare.com

Halloween may be this weekend, but these small businesses are a little bit spooky all year long. 

Couture Caskets

Above: The Bone, a favorite casket for dogs. Below: The Basketball casket is a slam-dunk.

(Image: CoutureCaskets.com)

After witnessing her brother fawn over a 1956 Thunderbird, Venus Smith asked, “Wouldn’t you love to be buried in that?” Smith took her comment seriously and started Couture Caskets, a custom casket business for pets and humans. One of Smith’s more pricey deathbeds for a client was a Vintage 1966 Shelby Cobra.

The Stanley Hotel

(Image: via wikimedia commons)

This legendary hotel was the inspiration for the fictional Overlook Hotel in Stephen King’s bestselling novel, The Shining. When the The Shining was made into a miniseries in 1997, it was also filmed here. If you book the hotel today, we highly recommend avoiding room 217 (where King stayed during his visit).

The Old Absinthe House

“Everyone you have known or will ever know eventually ends up at the Old Absinthe House,” claims the owner of this haunted bar. Located in New Orleans’ French Quarter, the Absinthe House has served spirits to its patrons for the last 200 years.

Obscura Antiques & Oddities

(Photo: on Facebook via Obscura Antiques & Oddities)

From a two-headed stuffed cow to art made of nail clippings, this New York City (Lower East Side) antique shop specializes in the obscure and downright strange. Obscura Antiques even has spawned multiple reality TV shows on the Discovery Network called Oddities.

Legendary among Silicon Valley startups, the brainteaser and oddball genres of interview questions can sometime reveal the creative or critical-thinking skills of the job candidate. Many of these are intended for engineers, but others are just fun.

1. How many times do a clock’s hands overlap in a day?
2. How would you weigh a plane without scales?
3. Tell me 10 ways to use a pencil other than writing.
4. How many people flew out of Chicago last year?
5. Why is there fuzz on a tennis ball?
6. With your eyes closed, tell me step-by-step how to tie my shoes.
7. If you were an animal, which one would you want to be?
8. If you could choose one superhero power, what would it be and why?
9. If you could get rid of any one of the US states, which one would you get rid of and why?
10. Sell me this pencil.
11. What would you do if you were the one survivor in a plane crash?
12. What’s your favorite 90s jam?
13. If you woke up and had 2,000 unread emails and could only answer 300 of them how would you choose which ones to answer?
14. Who would win in a fight between Spiderman and Batman?
15. If you had a machine that produced $100 dollars for life what would you be willing to pay for it today?
16. What did you have for breakfast?
17. Describe the color yellow to somebody who’s blind.
18. If you were asked to unload a 747 full of jelly beans, what would you do?
19. What’s your favorite Disney Princess?
20. Estimate how many piano tuners operate a business in (pick a city).
21. How much do you charge to wash every window in Seattle?
22. How many children are born every day?
23. If you had a choice between two superpowers (being invisible or flying) which would you choose?
24. Why are manholes round?
25. What do you do if you are approached by an employee who is complaining about a colleague who has horrible body odor?

Sources:

• ABC News
• Business Insider
• Glassdoor.com
• Monster.com

Apparently this happens to lots of people. And sometimes, not fully aware of exactly who is participating in this “on hold” preliminary portion of the conference call, someone begins to say some things so ill-advised, embarrassing and ridiculous, they may find their jobs in jeopardy.

In a recent survey about conference call habits in the workplace, the conference call company Intercall asked participants if they had experienced any such embarrassing on hold moments.

And boy, did they get some stories.

Here are some doozies that should remind you one more time, “There’s no such thing as a muted speaker phone when you’re on a conference call.”

Things people have witnessed while on-hold during a conference call

| Someone drawing an obscene picture on an online whiteboard that could be viewed by all of the conference call participants.

| A home-based telecommuter screaming at her dog and cat who were engaged in a fight.

| Being told that participants from another location had to leave the conference call because their building was on fire.

| A co-worker explaining how her son was arrested the previous night.

| Hearing someone go into great detail about a date he went on with a lady who was not his wife.

| Having the polite greeting, “How are you doing?” turn into a long and detailed answer about a person’s hemorrhoids.

| Someone’s “Baby Got Back” ringtone going off in a serious part of the call.

Almost as bad as unproductive office meetings are the clichéd stock photographs that attempt to make meetings look productive. So clichéd have such office meeting stock photos become that the world’s biggest purveyor of such photos has agreed to make fun of its photos by teaming up with marketers promoting the Vince Vaughn film called Unfinished Business.

They are featuring a set of free stock photography, much of which mocks office meeting stock photos that was created by photoshopping the heads of actors from the film onto the bodies of existing stock photos.

We thought the idea so inspiring, we decided to re-issue this article with the Unfinished Business stock photos so that during your next unproductive meeting, you’ll at least have something to think about and smile.

1. Decide if you really need a meeting.

(Image: iStock)

If it’s a problem you can solve with a simple one-on-one conversation, do that instead.

2. Have an agenda and KISS—keep it short, simple.

(Image: iStock)

A short agenda helps you focus more efficiently on the topics.

3. Be prepared.

(Image: iStock)

Pretend you and your team are Boy Scouts and be prepared–with data, spreadsheets, any necessary facts and figures. This preparation will keep the meeting moving briskly and make it more productive.

4. Know what you want to accomplish.

(Image: iStock)

Business guru Steven Covey famously advises “Begin with the end in mind.” Making your objectives clear will help focus discussion and minimize distractions.

5. Have a time limit.

(Image: iStock)

Set a time limit on the meeting and keep your eye on the clock. Head off lengthy digressions by reminding folks to stick to the agenda and tabling off-topic conversations.

1. Yerba Mate Tea

(Image via Wikimedia Commons)

It has more caffeine than a 12 oz. can of Coke but less than a traditional cup of coffee. But according to its fans, the drink sounds like a miracle elixir: They claim it reduces stress on the heart and liver while cleaning out the body with its natural blend of antioxidants.

2. Spazztroids Caffeinated Breakfast Cereal

(Image via ThinkGeek.com)

According to the geek all-nighter experts at ThinkGeek, Cap’n Buzz’s Spazztroids is “the breakfast cereal full of vitamins, nutrients, caffeine and everything else you need to get up in the morning.”

3. Jolt Energy Gum

(Image via Joltgum.com)

Jolt Energy Gum is supposed to give you all the caffeine in a cup of coffee with only two pieces of gum chewed. According to its makers, the product works faster than coffee does by absorbing into your bloodstream faster under your tongue.

4. Perky Jerky

(Image via PerkyJerky.com)

Perky Jerky provides a caffeine-enhanced carb-free beef-jerky buzz. There are about 75 mg of caffeine in each serving. But who can stop with just one serving?

5. Bawls Gurana

(via: Bawls.com)

You know the names of all of the “energy drinks” like Red Bull, et al, but, we like this line from the website of Bawls Guarana: “Coffee is for suits. Energy drinks are for noobs. Bawls is fuel for fun.”

(Feature Image: Thinkstock.com)

Who is Shane?

Shane is either (1) an actual hapless but witty Walmart Deli employee whose antics have turned into an internet meme (translation: “gone viral” with creative twists and turns), or (2) a fictitious but witty Walmart Deli employee who has turned into an internet meme. (While “2” is highly probable, we’re going to hang on to #1 with Santa-like innocence.)

The character (or real person) Shane is forever getting in trouble with store management for telling customers things like, “yes, it’s true that Walmart keeps all of the good stuff in the back” or adding signs to food in the deli case like “swinecraft” on the sliced ham.

Shane’s friend (the other character or real person) is another deli employee who snaps photos of the messages managers are constantly writing on the employee whiteboard instructing Shane to stop his most recent embarrassing breach of Walmart policy or common sense.

The Shame meme

As with all funny internet things, “Shaneisms” are now mimicked by legions of funny (and not-so-funny) people who post them on the Reddit “Sub-Reddit” (a topic forum) for ““Shaneisms” (Warning: Some of which are not SFW and many of which aren’t funny either.).

Why people love Shane

Shane fits in a long tradition of corporation-spoofing humor that stretches from Dagwood to Dilbert to Michael Scott. Shane captures a couple of common threads in the genre: He’s the straight man who enables a inside-corporate-joke punchline, and he’s the every-man who allows Shaneism creators to express their frustrations of working in a giant corporation, without having to name the company where they work.

Here are just a few Shaneisms as a treat for Halloween

Stop putting stuffed toys in the display case to show customers what kind of animal the meat comes from.

Shane. Stop putting quotations around the word fresh at the deli.

Shane, please stop telling the customers that the bags of ice are “Imported from Iceland”

Shane, customers do not need a membership card to order a club sandwich.

Shane, stop using the intercom to say ‘only you can hear me’

(via: Chezburger.com)